Joe For President
Really, Joe For President, Really?
Well, sort of, although if I really think about it seriously, General William Tecumseh Sherman (remember his march across Georgia during the civil war) and I would have a lot in common. Here is what he said when ask to run for President on the Republican Ticket. He thundered, ”If drafted, I will not run; if nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve.”I was pretty much in agreement with Sherman’s words – but then after two minutes of contemplation and a couple of Dr. Pepper’s with extra caffeine, (and observing the current menagerie of candidates) I have decided to throw my hat in the ring. The only hat I could find was a ragged twenty-five year old Dean Martin Tucson Open Visor (a remnant from another failed business venture) – from under my bed, and the ring was the one around my tub – from a Saturday night bath – appropriate for a serious candidate such as myself. But I’m committed to the fray until the bitter end or whenever it becomes personally inconvenient.
Campaign Funding? Well I did find a $5 bill on the road while walking my dog Sam, but haven’t yet decided which Media Buy I’m going to make – TV, Radio, Internet, Flyers? Should you wish to donate to the Ollivier Presidential Juggernaut, you can send a check made out to me personally, c/o the Hidden Assets Bank, General Delivery, Grand Cayman, British West Indies. Should you decide to donate cash – $50’s and $100’s please – I would prefer the currency be delivered in a brown paper bag (no plastic please) – passed to my associate who will be dressed in a black shirt and tie with matching Fedora. He’ll be available at midnight – the dark Lincoln with tinted windows in the parking lot of the Landfill.
Actually I wouldn’t accept a donation if offered, which several people have, much to my surprise. Don’t send anything, otherwise I’ll have to cough up for a 44-cent stamp to send it back. Want to put up a homemade Joe For President sign in your yard – well, I can’t stop that.
My platform is based on observations during my tenure here on earth – personally I would put Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Steve Jobs (he could really be a better president dead than those who might be elected) in charge with total power, but since that isn’t possible without a change in government to a benevolent dictatorship, here are some of my ideas to get your blood pressure going.
1. Mandatory Service – Every High School Graduate or 18-year-old (girls and guys) goes into the military or community service for a year, no exceptions – this would be known as Compulsory or Mandatory Service. They would live in segregated barracks; learn discipline, military skills and useful trades. Up at 6:00 AM – lights out at 10:00 PM – three meals a day from the mess hall. The Conscientious Objectors can work in the parks, clean up streets, paint federal property, teach English, etc, but everyone goes through a basic training or similar experience in intensity to the Armed Forces for the first six months – daily physical training mandatory. Benefits of This Compulsory Service – a much more polite, better educated, thinner, disciplined, harder working, homogeneous group of citizens prepared to help the country and start life in earnest. Everyone can compare their experience of Mandatory Service throughout their lifetime – a common talking point. The above service idea is exactly what happens in Switzerland, Israel, Brazil, and many, many other countries. Have you ever seen a chubby 19 year-old Swiss – no such thing? If you resist even doing the community service option – that’s okay, flee the country – we’ll help you with a passport and a one-way ticket to Somalia, Bolivia or New Guinea to enjoy the benefits of those countries.
Will most like their time in Mandatory Service? Not only No, But Hell No. In fact most will hate it, just like I did with military basic training, and that is exactly what we as a country should want. Maybe it will be the motivation to get an education (including learning what made this country great), learn the value of some career training, and show respect for our nation rather than hanging out, playing video games and being one with your cell phone.
One last thing, a service experience like this will help young people gain an understanding for what a real hero represents – admired for noble and outstanding unexpected acts. Nowadays we call everyone a hero. If fighting fires or going to war is in your job description, then that is what is expected of you – you aren’t a hero for performing your job – only if it goes far far beyond the expectations of others. Go into a burning building as a firefighter – it’s your job. Go in as a private citizen and rescue someone with great risk to your life – maybe getting harmed or killed – that’s a hero. I’m tired of everyone from the youngest soccer team member to the tallest NBA star being referred to as a Hero. Learn that George Washington was a real hero and not because he stood seven feet tall and could put a leather ball in a round hoop and ran his mouth constantly, but because he went way beyond what others thought humanly possible in building this nation.
2. Legalize Drugs – Get your Heroin on sale at Wal-Mart – buy Marijuana in bulk at Costco – by legalizing drugs, we will take all of the criminality and money out of the trade. All production, pricing and distribution controlled by the Federal Government. Pretty much like state liquor laws, but all drugs priced at cost. Commit a felony while on drugs – two choices – be turned over to Sheriff Joe Arpaio in Phoenix – live in tents, dress in Pink PJ’s and march around the desert raising rutabagas and chasing scorpions along with rehab – or up to a new privately run federal prison in Northern North Dakota where all the drugs desired will be available 24/7, but you can’t get out until you’ve stopped, gone thru real rehab and served your sentence, or the hearse comes for you – learn a trade while you are there and, mandatory American History classes, just like in your Compulsory Service Training.
The Federal Government imposes a 10% tax on all drugs sold – billions in new federal revenue just from marijuana alone. Crime plummets because there is no incentive to commit felonies to get high – drugs would be cheap as Aspirin. No 10,000% markup now for Drug Cartels so they all go out of business. Know there is a moral question here, but the DEA just spends billions a year without any real result. Ask any, and I mean any, high school students if they know where to buy illegal drugs – they know, and bless those that can resist the temptation.
Just for starters I’ve have the 101 first airborne plus the First Marine Division surround Tijuana, Juarez, and other Mexican border towns and test every citizen for drugs. Part of a cartel, hmm, very sad for you, life is short. Mexican Government doesn’t like it, I’d tell them to go pound sand.
3. Recognize Our Enemies – Stop telling our enemies what we are going to do in the future – such as “withdrawing 30,000 troops from Afghanistan next year”, giving the advantage to them. Don’t say nothin’, give ‘em a little surprise once and a while, like Nixon did – bombing Hanoi on Christmas Eve while discussing a Christmas ceasefire – then our enemies will know we are not a paper tiger. Stop being the world’s policeman – turn Iraq and Afghanistan over to the nincompoop tribesmen and let them have at one another – civil war will begin once we leave anyway – stop pretending that the rest of the world sees life and democracy the way we do – they are ruled by a theocracy and don’t want democracy.
Why give Billions to the current idiot leaders in foreign and military aid to slow the inevitable. Much of that money is ending up in personal Swiss Bank accounts anyway. Think what we could do with those Billions – if nothing else pay down the national debt or hire the Israeli’s to do international anti-terrorist work for us – or put it into social programs to raise everyone’s standard of life. Strong Military, absolutely – foolish adventures to stop phantom enemies? No. Our next debacle will be when we offer untold millions in foreign aid to the tribe that takes over in Libya – lets just wire it to their Swiss Banks now and save the handling charges. We need a president who doesn’t tell everyone on the planet what our foreign plans are going to be, and is willing to crack heads without warning when its called for.
4. Flat Tax – Everyone who makes over $30,000 pays 15%, regardless of income – all revenues, wages, dividends, everything counted. No deductions, period. No favorable capital gains tax, no home interest deductions, no charitable deductions, nothing. Make a Billion, pay 15% – make a total of $31,000 – pay the tax on the $1000. Businesses tax reformation will be a bit trickier, but no expense accounts as a starter. IRS will be able to retrain about 90 percent of its staff in some sort of job that adds value to the country. States set their own tax rates.
5. Secure the Border – Call out the Nat’l Guard and seal the border with Mexico against illegal aliens – troops returning from overseas adventures in Afghanistan and Iraq can help – then build a wall 100 feet deep and 50 ft tall over the next six months and enforce it. President Calderon of Mexico doesn’t like it – Who Cares? Protests because we are discriminating against foreigners trying to sneak into the country – Care even less, meet these protests with the contempt they deserve. Current Alien residents, a tougher problem, but maybe give everyone a one year pass to work, etc. but then they have to go back to where they came from. Maybe some preference to get into this county through accelerated legal immigration. Needs more thought but this would solve many of the unemployment problems just like Presidents Hoover, Eisenhower, and Truman did – deporting illegal’s to improve employment for our own citizens and veterans.
You ask who will do the lower end jobs such as gardening, cement, drywall, cleaning, etc. Simple, the price will rise and those unemployed will be trained, both on and off the job and take their place. Also English is our language – period. Get caught crossing the border one step ahead of the Medellin Drug Cartel, but with a fake ID and Green Card - that’s okay if we didn’t catch you – you and anyone else we can’t deport and every other non-English speaking person goes to mandatory English Classes: 8 – 5, then an hour for dinner – then back until 9:00 PM – six days a week until you can pass an English Proficiency Exam – still can’t speak, repeat the class until you do. Federal Government to pay for the classes. This goes for everyone who cannot speak English at a decent level in this country. Want to live and work here and enjoy all of the benefits of the Greatest County on Earth, learn the language just like our forefathers did and be assimilated into our society. We are all Americans First before any other identity.
6. Immediate Reduction in Government Payments – Every citizen who receives any kind of government check will take a 5% cut immediately. Social Security recipients, welfare cases, government employees, everyone. Only exemption would be the military – they could volunteer to take a cut for the good of the country if they wanted to – and my guess is that over 90% would. And not one government employee will quit even with this reduction – where else do you get paid a very good salary, guaranteed benefits including lifetime pension and health care, dental care, eye glasses, on and on – there is a line from New York to LA just waiting to get a job at the Post Office – I don’t blame them.
Are we taking away people’s safety net with such a reduction – no, the private sector will step up since they have lower taxes and people will learn to do with less – may have forgo the 70 inch flat screen and lower your standard of living for a while. But companies will hire as the economy takes off or even the anticipation of Rational Government Policies. In reality, if you really don’t want to work, you can go to a homeless shelter anywhere in this country and they will take you in – feed you and give you a bed. Pleasant, no, but better than being unemployed in Somalia, Ethiopia or Malaysia – you bet.
7. Cut The Government Budget – All government agencies cut 10% of their current budget. Where do all of these laid off government workers go? The Civilian Conservation Corp (CCC’s) and the Works Project Administration (WPA) were great places for the unemployed to go during the 1930’s depression. You got a small wage, room and board (in decent housing camps) and were trained in an occupation. The Corp would work on any project that creates national value, such as upgrading our national parks, or rebuilding or repainting simple structures – few skills needed but on the job training available. Complicated, yes, doable, absolutely. If nothing else they can pick up all the trash in this country, remove the graffiti, and fill potholes – maybe teach English.
8. Medical Care – To start, everyone pays a $25 federal fee when they come to the Hospital or Doctor – no exceptions – stay in the hospital, costs you $25 each day federal fee. Have absolutely no money- not even the $25 initial visit fee, the government will loan it to you – sign a promissory note to the USA – and we’ll expect you to pay it eventually. While politicians whine about the masses having no medical care, in reality you can go to any hospital in this country right now – whether you have a dime or not – and get checked out for anything from a hangnail to a heart attack – which millions do daily -including all of the illegal’s in our country – costing us billions. A national health care policy, yes, but only when we have the extra money from a surplus budget to pay for it – our aging population, including me, will break us eventually if we continue down our path – study everyone else’s national health programs and then come up with something rational. Is there a way to not have our 80, 90 and 100 year-olds deplete the system? Not with what we are doing currently. We have to find a way to help these older folks, but it can’t break our country’s future. Sanctity of life, yes, but life really is finite – sooner or later we are all going to go (sooner if we do really stupid things) – and we can’t be transplanting a heart into an 80 year old when we have to do it at the expense of an 18 year old. Open to decent ideas, haven’t seen a great solution yet – but what we are doing will not continue to work.
9. Tort Reform – All lawsuits in this country are filed with binding arbitration boards with a maximum of two other higher-level appeals to other boards – final one completely binding. Before filing and appealing however, the complainant has to put up cash or a bond that will cover the expected legal (arbitration) fees of the other party if they lose and the award or damages expected. The lawyers are really the ones responsible for the high cost of drugs, insurance, on and on. That’s why you can order drugs from Canada or India (where the Canadians get them anyway) for sometimes one tenth of the cost in the US. No large number of attorneys means that the 40% of our Congress who are lawyers will have to find a legitimate job rather than that of a Professional Politician when term limits are implemented.
Still need some attorneys to prosecute and defend criminal actions, and serve as arbitrators, but close down most of the law schools in the country and turn them into useful vocation, medical or science centers, etc. Start changing the culture in this country to one of personal responsibility instead of personal entitlement – where you take responsibility for your life, and choices, and realize that everything that happens to you is not someone else’s fault – and you shouldn’t try to turn it into an income event for yourself (and your lawyer).
10. Election Reform – Process starts six months before the election, no sooner. At that point there are live presentations from anyone who wants to be president – 20 minutes each – round the clock ad nauseam on the Election Internet Channel until everyone has had their shot – may even take a week or so –Internet information runs constantly – Federal Government pays. Also, anyone who wants to run also has to submit a written summary (platform) of what they intend to do as the country’s leader – to be published in all regional and national newspapers – same information again on the Internet. Do this solid for a month. Independent Polls taken after this- if you have half percent favorable votes, you move on to second month of presentations. But no election campaigning or money raising/spending at this point other than no cost events, such as speaking to reporters. Etc. – no donations in cash or in kind period – just your time period on the TV/Radio/Papers/Internet. Four months before the election, polls are again taken, if you have 1% voter support, you can borrow up to $1,000,000, if needed, (or put it up yourself if you have it) from the Federal Government to spend on your election – not a dollar more – no donations, no money raising, nothing other than 1MM – spend it any way you want, but you personally owe the government back unless you are one of the two remaining candidates – loans secured by everything you own up to the million borrowed. Can’t pay it back, okay, the govt. will take payments for the next twenty years – at least you had the guts to run without being beholding to anyone – whether you used your own money or had to borrow. Then there are weekly debates right up until the election on TV – rebroadcast 24/7 on the Internet – primary elections one month before the final. Remember the total spend can only be one Million no matter where the money came from.
Other Needed Changes
I’d implement a bunch of other common sense policies right away – balanced budget each year or congress is dissolved and elections are scheduled within a month, no Saturday mail service, term limits, stem cell research goes ahead full blast, no paid pensions for congressmen or senators unless they want to start their own IRA, Congress subject to the same rules as the rest of us, Lobbying becomes illegal, $5000 tax credit for first time home buyers who buy a new home or a foreclosed one, mandatory uniforms for all K -12 students, quit letting endangered species like the snail darter and spotted owl affect mankind’s dominant human role –protect the environment, yes, but don’t go completely irrational – eliminate trade and tourist restrictions with Cuba, 75% reduction in Foreign Aid, break apart banks from investment firms, no farm or other subsidies, increased spending on domestic programs to raise the standard of living and give a safety net to everyone, authorize full strike capabilities against all enemies – just like we did with Osama Bin Laden – no respecter of borders or regimes, period. Carry a big stick and use it. Will there be lots of people who don’t like us (hate us), yup, just like now. If we leave Iraq/Afghanistan right away, let our enemies know that we will come back with Delta type forces and Drones and eliminate anyone we deem a threat to the US – that goes for everyone else in the world, period.
Can we elect an overall benevolent champion of the people? Will someone step up and do these things for America. Possible, if the right charismatic leader with common sense, honesty and true interest in benefiting all our citizens shows up. I think that the people of America are ready to support such a person – Perhaps even Joe to the rescue.
The implementation of the above programs would turn our national deficit into a surplus within one year. Can’t do it because of Congress, Supreme Court, Gridlock, etc? With the majority of the citizens hounding their Senators and Congressmen day and night and a President who means and actually does what he says – by executive order – absolutely doable.
Now here are some of my cabinet picks – Secretary of Defense – Colin Powel; Secretary of the Treasury – Warren Buffett; Secretary of Health and Human Services – Bill Gates; Secretary of State – Condoleezza Rice; Secretary of Homeland Security – Navy Seal Team Six; Secretary of Commerce – Mitt Romney; Secretary of Energy – T Boone Pickens; Vice President – Steve Jobs (just out of respect), Labor Relations – Marco Cubio. Attorney General – anyone but Eric Holder – think about it – the mastermind of 9/11- Khalid Shaikh Mohammed sits in cell today while the Attorney General sits on his butt – almost 11 years later. Same with the guy who killed the people at Fort Hood – turn these terrorists over to the military for court martial and then a quick death sentence – no question they are guilty, they admit it and welcome death as a reward – lets give them their wish. Death Penalty? Not normally for it, but in some cases (molesting, torturing and finally killing a child, etc.) you give up your right to life here on earth. Let God figure it out, he will know his own.
And now some really interesting positions in my administration – Protocol – Lady Gaga, Hair Styling – “The Donald” Trump, UnEthics Review – shared by Charles Rangel and Anthony Wiener; Court Jester – Nancy Polosi, décor – Martha Stewart, Pastor – Al Sharpton, Surgeon General – Dr. Kevorkian (I know, he’s dead, but we’ll put his picture on the cigarette packages anyway), Secretary of Irrational Thought, Impractical Reasoning and Theoretical Shovel-Ready Projects – Barrack Obama. I think he actually has a good heart, but has led a virtual life entirely, and has surrounded himself with the worst possible advisors.
The current candidates – quit criticizing each other and President Obama – what possible good does it do? Just bring forth your own specific ideas with specific details – when ask a question just answer it honestly rather than making a speech – many times on a subject completely different that the one ask. The candidates just keep shifting and posturing, hoping to hang on long enough to be the final ones standing nine months from now. All are guilty of this except Ron Paul, who does answer the questions and has specific policies, but is frankly too old, and has too many Looney ideas, such as eliminating a central banking system, returning to the gold standard, etc. Like him or not, at least the guy answers the questions. Mitt Romney, a true patriot? Not really, let him show his patriotism by giving the VA a hundred million of that 275 million net worth he has.
Anyway, would I like to see someone come along who would push all of the items I’ve listed above? Absolutely. Will it happen, probably not, unless you vote for Joe – or at least get me a 1% rating in the polls so I can get in on the debates (can you imagine me loose during a national debate – Holy Hell) In the meantime I shall roll my campaign throughout the nation – from the Highlands to the Lowlands, the Mountains to the Deserts, the Brahmans of Boston to the Fruits and Nuts of California, from the Barrios of Texas to the Potato fields of Maine, the blizzards of Montana to the hurricanes of Florida, from the Ghettos of Compton to the Ghettos of Detroit, from the Statue of Liberty to the porous Mexican borders of Arizona, from the liberals of Vermont to the Conservatives of Utah, from the cornfields of Kansas to the tobacco crops of Virginia – an every increasing tide for Joe For President.
However, should a lack of my own personal campaign finances and a thorough investigation of my grade school behavior force me from the race, I shall perhaps be forced to retire quietly from the field. But for now, I shall charge forward like Don Quixote – tilting at the ridiculous windmills of politics and bad government.
The Rational Independent
Think, we have to endure another 12 months of political braying by all sides before the election – Lord help us.